After a beautiful month of sun, sea and sandcastles (and generally enjoying life with friends and extended family), I am excited to be returning to St John’s Chapel in Winchester and also visiting a new (to me) church, St Swithun’s in Martyr Worthy I am also rather excited that the Psalm set for this Sunday is one of my favourites: Psalm 139.

This year I have been learning to knit.

I was inspired by my favourite retreat house which, in a sunny corner of the art shed, sits a comfy arm chair and a basket of knitting. Guests are invited to sit and knit for a while, resting their minds as their hands take on the gentle rhythm of knit one, pearl one. The different rows combine together to create scarves which are then given to the Mission to Seafarers. Wanting to offer mindfulness knitting to my retreat guests I found some needles and yarn and tried to remember how to knit. I have to confess that I was always a useless knitter despite my expert mother trying on several occasions to teach me. Now with the aid of YouTube tutorials I learned how to cast on, and the first raggedy scarves were commenced. I then found a very simple pattern for teddy bears that had been given to my daughter and knitted some red, white, and blue ones to use in a game of hide and seek at our Jubilee Street Party; and now, with a lot of help from my mum, I have successfully knitted one mitten!

In today’s Psalm we hear pregnancy described as ‘knitting’…

For you yourself created my inmost parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I thank you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are your works, my soul knows well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in secret and woven in the depths of the earth.

Psalm 139: 13,14

As I have taken an interest in knitting, I have found myself on the constant look out for cheap yarn. Charity shops can be a treasure trove of many things including all things knitting, so I have discovered. Whilst on holiday in Devon I found some real gems, including a large skein of yarn in an ombre of blues and greens and other subtle colours. And this skein with metres upon metres of yarn came at the bargain price of £2.99!

Hidden within this skein are all sorts of wonderful craft projects as yet untold, hidden in its depths. The yarn is so fine, almost like a thread of silk, but also strong, and as I played with it dreaming about what it might become, I noticed how the colours change. Each length of yarn is unique, despite coming from the same skein.

Later this month I am holding a bespoke retreat, and with all retreats I like to give my guests a small gift to take home to remind them of their encounter with God. The colours of this yarn spoke into the theme of the Good Shepherd, and so I have been weaving them into bookmarks. Each bookmark consists of 10 lengths, of the same measurement, and yet each looks so very different from the others: beautiful, I hope, and unique.

And so are we: beautiful and unique. We may all come from the same skein somewhere down the line, but we are different. We have each been created by the same Heavenly Father, but each of us with unique traits and unique purposes in this life. How easy it is to forget this, when we measure ourselves against others, friends, family, celebrities. We are created from the same heavenly stardust, but not to conform to one ideal model, but to stand out as beloved children of God.

I find this immensely comforting, that God has lovingly created every part of me, with admittedly a little help from my earthly father and quite a lot from my earthly mother, even the parts that I may not be too keen on, or that the fashion magazines tell me I shouldn’t. However, as is often the case with Psalms, the mood swings; we turn from loving gentleness to challenge. Our set portion for today doesn’t read on far enough for us to encounter this change, and yet the next few verses speak into the gospel passage:

O that you would kill the wicked, O God,
   and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me—
those who speak of you maliciously,
   and lift themselves up against you for evil!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
   And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with perfect hatred;
   I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my thoughts.
See if there is any wicked way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139: 19-24

God has created us, and ‘discerns our thoughts from afar’ God knows the passions of the psalmist filled with zeal for the Lord and wanting to smite those who speak ill of God. God doesn’t need us to protect them though, what God longs for is for us to faithfully follow them, aware of what lies within our own hearts, able to be honest with ourselves as well as God. We may not (hopefully not) agree with the Psalmist wanting to ‘Kill the wicked’ but each of us needs to be aware of who we truly are; and this is where the Gospel comes in.

In the passage from Luke’s gospel account, Jesus confronts all those who are queuing up to join his gang. Jesus is edgy and popular and has taken on a kind of holy rockstar status. Jesus rebels against the authorities, he is authentic, he is open and welcoming, and there are miracles too! However, Jesus present at the creation of the world, present at our creation, knows the hearts of all those who claim to want to follow him. Jesus knows their motivations, and he warns them not to follow him for the wrong reasons, not to follow him without counting the cost.

So what is on our hearts? What is it that Jesus can read that we try to hide from others, even hide from ourselves? It is difficult to start conversations like this, where do we even begin, but with God the ground work has already been done for us. Without judging us or using this knowledge against us, God knows. God knows, and is waiting for us to open up, to start the conversation, just as the psalmist did,

O Lord, you have searched me out and known me;

Psalm 139:1

We call this prayer, and the term can make us feel daunted. We feel the need for special language, we feel that we have failed if we don’t ‘hear’ in a super spiritual way. As I have been engaging with hosting Spiritual Direction over the past year, and in my own experiences too, it is often simply in the speaking out loud and sitting in the quiet that follows that we hear God. God may not speak words we can decipher, but our hearts do. There is a difference, a calmness, an awareness of what is to come next. We ‘know’ ourselves differently when we take time with God. We begin to know ourselves as God does, as beloved and unique children, all with a different role to play in God’s kingdom.

We may not be called to follow as the first disciples were called to do, indeed most of us won’t; but we are all called to follow that strand of holiness in our own lives, wherever it may lead. Are we ready to listen, and to hear that call? Are we ready to follow?

_{If you have been blessed by what you have read today, perhaps you would like to buy me a cuppa?}